Members Only Museum

A Date in Every Country: A Series
Date #20
Location: Iceland
Nationality: Icelandic
Activity: museum, drinks, breakfast
Time: mmhmm
Will see again? Already did
Connected via: Bumble
WARNING: NSFW

This juicy, gem of a story comes from the Land of Fire and Ice. Iceland had been on my bucket list for years now. I specifically had this dream of visiting with a partner and sleeping in one of those glass cabin while falling asleep (or not) under the northern lights. I didn't have a partner so I simply didn't go. For. Years.

I had put off this destination for far too long and as many of you know from following my journey, this trip around the world has been about saying yes and is the exact opposite of putting things off. No more waiting around for other people. Time's a-wastin'. I thought about having a friend join me but ultimately decided to tackle this solo despite the absolute devastation to my bank account…if you know, you know.

Road tripping seemed like the best way to explore the island. Did I make an itinerary? Absolutely not. I’m the queen of winging it and Iceland was no exception. Knowing that I was going to be moving around a lot meant that I likely needed to have my date as soon as I arrived in Reykjavik. I decided to go with Bumble and changed my location to find lucky #20 before I arrived. It wasn't long before I matched with a smiling, tattooed Viking. I’m going to have be a bit mysterious in my descriptions as everyone seems to know everyone in the community and I’m trying to respect his privacy. We chatted briefly and he was quick to invite me to ask me out. He followed up with an even more intriguing offer….

"Let me take you on a date when you are in Reykjavik.
We can get a beer and walk around and maybe even see the penis museum 😱"

You heard that right. I must confess I burst out laughing when I got his message but immediately thought what a crazy date idea! I simply must say yes. I had no idea what I was signing up for. He confessed he’d never been so it was decided. (Horrible puns, inappropriate jokes and scandy pics ahead - consider yourself warned.) We had planned to grab drinks before as a bit of an icebreaker but the museum closed early so we had to meet there and dove right in, headfirst. (See? Jokes lol) We only had an hour before they closed so time was a ticking! If you haven't been here, I do actually recommend this museum. Did I giggle like a schoolgirl? Absolutely. Did I make dirty jokes like a teenage boy? You betcha. The only thing that could have made this better is if we had snuck in a flask. (I found out later there's a bar attached.)

You enter this hallway lined with themed art and a certificate showing the museum’s world record, specifically, how it’s the largest collection of phalluses in the world with 284 exhibits as of 2017. I’m sure the collection has grown since then. With a large “woody” at the end of the hallway to greet you, it definitely set the mood for what we were getting ourselves into. By that, I mean an actual tree-sized carving of a giant johnson.

Well my Viking bought my ticket and I promised him a beer as a thank you. In we went and oh my gosh, what a sight! The museum houses all different species and the actual members that have been collected along with details regarding their habits and proclivities. We read every sign and looked at every single “exhibit”. As a traveler, I'm curious by nature and this was unlike any other museum I'd ever been to.

From horse schlongs to the penile bones of the "polyamorous and promiscuous" American raccoon, they had almost everything in the animal kingdom. We giggled over the ones with tiny ding-a-lings. We were horrified by those with spikes. We learned which animals were monogamous and those that were a bit more inclusive and/or stuck it where and whenever they wanted.

I was not prepared for the whales and walruses.

I was shocked to see that the Christmas tree sized specimen of a sperm whale was as tall as I was. We took photos that will never see the light of day. Laughter was frequent and the chemistry undeniable. Did you know that some indigenous people made fancy ties and accessories from the foreskin of certain species?! Something that you clearly whipped out for special occasions of course. Graduations and holidays most likely but were birthdays included?

One of us would wander off then frantically call the other one over as we pointed and analyzed the pros and cons of the sizes and shapes. At one point, I had to define what a chode was (yes I know - not normally first date talk). I deemed a particular one bougie as it had a little hat. First dates rules had been chucked out the window in the first 5 minutes. It made me curious about the different words or slang that cultures have adapted around the world for this particular um…item. We have quite a few terms in the US and I’m not sure what's allowed or censored but I’m dying to know what nicknames other countries use. Shaboinka was one I heard in my travels and frankly, I think it has a nice little ring to it.

The museum's grande finale was a replica caste of a famous rockstar well known for his "instrument." The rockstar could only be out done by the man with the world’s largest ahem who has promised to donate his twig and berries to the museum upon his death…for the sake of science of course.

Museum dates are a classy choice but this one would have had my prudish 20 year old self dying in her conservative shoes, blushing redder than any tomato. But oh my lord this was quite a memorable date and I would gladly do it all over again. Just shows how much I’ve grown.

We closed down the museum and made our way to a local pub. We grabbed beers and settled in for a chat. We had shared so much laughter at this point that conversation flowed freely with no filters to be found. He told me about his work and it was obvious how much he loved it. While I won't share his job, it was one that spoke highly of his character and this gentle giant was becoming more endearing by the moment. He shared the struggles of dating in such a small community where everyone knows everyone. Iceland is known for being a very open and liberated country when it comes to sex and sexuality. It is also a world leader when it comes to gender equality, representation for women, marriage equality and rights for LGBTQ+.

I was fascinated to learn that the Icelandic people often have a nontraditional approach to dating and relationships. My date shared that it was extremely common that people would often start off as hookups or friends with benefits and that would eventually morph into a relationship. He said that when you saw the same single people out drinking at the bar every weekend, it seemed bound to happen. He introduced me to a new dating app that I'd never seen before, called Smitten. It has personality games included in the app which encourage connections. You can play a little "get to know each other" trivia which seems to be way better introduction than being asked how my weekend was for the millionth time. They have their own version of 2 truths and a lie included as well. I thought it was a creative approach and the app's success seems to suggest that the locals agree.

I couldn't help but wonder if their relationships, which seemingly took longer to develop, were stronger in the end...?

We had a few rounds and migrated to a quieter area of the bar as the lively convo continued but not before some boozy female spun the giant bar wheel winning some free drinks then sought to chat us up. She came over and proceeded to share her strong feelings regarding the connection she felt was between him and I. Her earnest message was highly entertaining as she literally put our hands together and urged us to connect. Nevermind that we were already snuggled up and chatting a mile a minute. To be fair, she wasn't wrong about our connection and you cant be mad at the drunk girl who holds your hand and wants all the strangers in the bar to fall in love. A few more beers and a few stolen kisses later, we had discussed everything about the singles scene in Iceland including the higher probability for dating a relative when you live on an island. You know, the usual first date convos. My final conclusion was that 284 might be an even number but 285 has a better ring to it so that’s where the count ended for the day.

He took me to the most amazing pastry shop the next morning before I left town. It’s called Braud & Co. and oh my goodness I still dream of this pastry. One of the best things I’ve ever had. (see the photo and drool accordingly)

I left town shortly after and set off on my 12 day adventure around the island, paper map in hand. I booked nothing in advance and couldn't have been any more happy about my rental car choice. I got a little 2 door Suzuki Jimny 4x4 that I called Suzi. She was fully kitted-out with a rooftop tent and all the camping gear. Suzi and I would proceed to have the most epic adventures as we explored parts of the island that many tourists miss. We hit the highlands in the west where I made friends with a seal on a red sand beach, did the full ring road and learned about the local sea-monsters.

It was in the central highlands where I stumbled upon what I now consider one of my all-time favorite hikes, Landmannalaugar. Please know that the road there stole a piece of my soul as I thought my skeleton would rattle out of my skin. There are a ton of posts online about Iceland itineraries so I won't list everything I did but I will shamelessly add a few photos that I love. I believe that Iceland will be among my favorite destinations for many years to come.

My Viking and I had kept in touch as he had continued to send me thoughtful recommendations for my trip. Upon finishing my giant loop around the island, we managed to briefly see each other one last time before I left. I also managed to snag one more of those pastries before I said goodbye to the land of Fire and Ice. A kiss and a pastry seems like the perfect way to say goodbye to this beautiful place that brought me so much joy. I skipped a few of the famous things but I’ve started to do this a bit more in certain places as my tastes have changed. Long term travel has this effect and those items will always be a reason for me to go back.

I hope you enjoyed this scandalous and oh so amusing date with my Viking. Yes, we still keep in touch and I would happily see him again if our paths ever crossed in the future. I do hope this story inspires you to not put destinations off because you're waiting on someone, a partner or friend, to join you. Get out there and go! Some of your favorite trips might just be ahead of you.

PS. I would like extra points for my use of some creative slang in telling this story. In my attempt to use different words throughout this story, that included making a hilarious list of euphemisms on my phone and polling a few friends as I set down to write this. Feel free to share your own slang in the comments so we can all increase our international vocabularies!

Teaser: Posting this from Vietnam where I'm still collecting stories and catching up on my writing. I've been working on a travel resource to answer all the questions about long term travel so keep an eye out for that. More date stories to come and likely out of order so you'll never know what's next. Follow me on Instagram for the most up to date information. Happy travels and thanks for reading :)